I binged like shit. Again. Clearly time to fast again. Welcome to my journey of befriending Ana. We were friends once before, in summer of 2012 and I had hit my lowest weight of 88 pounds. Right now I am at my highest of 102 pounds at 5'3''. God I feel so disgusting for having gained like 14 lbs so fast and Ana is calling me to be her friend again, so I guess we meet again. Every time any sort of food passes my lips, I can't stop eating. Jars of Nutella, cream wafers, bananas, nuts, almond butter, dried fruit, ice cream, etc. It makes me feel even worse because I binge on non-vegan foods, and I had chosen veganism due to a huge love for animals and against animal cruelty (I even stopped using makeup and switched hair products that I use.) I feel like absolute shit for hurting animals, fattening myself, and being downright ugly and disgusted with myself.

 

I want to be 85 pounds. As soon as possible. By April of this year 2013, maybe? (My birthday is that month.) I find that Korean pop stars seem to be the best thinspiration because they're all so thin and beautiful.

 

I binged so badly again, today. My daily calorie total is somewhere near the 2,500s and I feel absolutely disgusted. I cried a good long cry, because this is definitely not the first time. That's when Ana started calling me again. She wanted to be friends again. And so I accept.

 

 

One of the best things to do is to plan ahead. Clearly. So I am going to do just that. Tomorrow for breakfast will be an apple and coffee. I will tell friends that I'm having allergic reactions and skip lunch. Dinner will be 50cals of tuna and some steamed veggies. My daily calorie intake should be about 200ish calories or so. I'll burn it all off plus so more, hopefully.

 

I hate myself. For eating so much. For gaining so much. For harming creatures of this earth. I'm going to try to take a nice bath and then force myself to sleep. Tomorrow is a new day, where Ana and I are in a relationship together, and I won't break up with her this time.