Sick Of Feeling Like A Fatass

I guess I'm just...done.
I always tell myself that I'm gonna fast after I binge.
But I think the reason for that is because I virtually have no motivation.
I mean,
nobody's gonna call me fat
since I'm technically speaking "underweight"
but that's just by number standards
I can clearly see all my thigh fat
arm fat
face fat
neck fat
etcetcetc

I need motivation.
I want to look hot in that XS black shirt before springtime. :)
And I want G to feel any sympathy for me if at all.
I told our friends about having had abusive parents as a child
but he clearly didn't care
or whatever
I really don't know
I have to get his attention somehow
Clearly

I know I post a lot on here these days
but I have nobody else to talk to
besides Summer, but we didn't text today
and I don't want to bombard her with all my lame crap about life.

I need to get G's attention
somehow
anyhow

I Suck. Kill Me Now

Probably had the biggest binge in the world today. Some weeks I'm perfectly fine and other weeks it's like bingebingebinge.

I am coming into realization that maybe I should just be asexual ;) I'm too fat and ugly for any boy to like me anyways. And I can't seem to get myself to like women, who are the only species who find me attractive.

Really really need Ana-buddies. Really bad. Any motivation would be wonderful. I'm falling into depression and I think it's causing even more binge-eating, which causes more depression, it's a vicious cycle....

Done being a fatass. If I don't starve myself tomorrow, I'm gonna fucking cut or something. I hate myself so much. I envy you all who can purge.

New Day

Erasing yesterday's crap.
I've decided to trick people at school into thinking that I'm eating a lot, by bringing craploads of steamed veggies. Friends are getting suspicious that I keep skipping lunch, so if I'm visually eating a lot (even though in reality, it's like less than 100 cals) then I'm good, right?!

BED hates me so much. Ana laughs her ass off at me whenever it happens.

He's Not Gay :D

Awesome news.
G isn't gay.
Well he's not straight either,
but whatever.
This also put me into deep realization: whether he's gay or not, I have no chance with him.

So who am I kidding.
Well I binged again on Nutella. It makes me feel like shit because it has milk in it, which is torturing cows to get.
I'm so disgusting. and such a fatass too. Have no motivation to work out.

I feel that exercising is like....builds up appetite? And getting into the habit of exercising makes me think that I can eat more because I'm burning it all off, which isn't true considering I'll binge like 1500 calories or whatever and then burn off like 100. Like that really helps.
What should I do.

I could really use some cream wafers.
Ana is laughing at my sorry fatass right now.

I'll eat some I guess. My momma told me she'd give me $20 if I could bring my weight up to 100 pounds and since I'm like 99 or so right now, why not. Get that $20 and spend it all on Diet Coke and then slowly lose 15 lbs. Sounds good.

At least this way I don't feel so guilty for having eaten.

NIGHT :)
P.S. Could really use some Ana-buddies!

I HAVE NO GAG REFLEX.

I can't throw up.
I want to.
I wish I could.

I tried to for a long time, both after yesterday and today's binges.
I'll tickle that uvila thing with one or two fingers, sometimes three, but I'll cough a little but never throw up. I'm SO jealous of girls who can eat whatever they want and then can throw up their mistakes. Yes, so apparently purging only gets rid of 50% of the calories, but that's a lot better than going to sleep knowing that you've got all this disgusting food inside of you.

I would love tips, if anybody ever stops by this blog. Please help me. I literally can't throw up no matter how much I try.

I envy anyone who can self-induce vomiting.

NEED ANA-BUDDIES! Binge + thinspo

I'm such a fucking fatass. Due to depression of having learned that I like a gay guy, of course I go for two cups of chocolate soymilk, a few cream wafers, and a few spoonfuls of Nutella! My daily calorie total is like 1,700ish or so. Kill me now. Need some thinspo and some Ana-buddies. I made an Ana-buddy today, which is great! If anyone else is in need of someone to motivate them, I'm not one of those mean people, I will keep you going and just need someone to talk to, and hope you'll do the same.

She looked perfect in The Thieves.

 

Okay so she's not the skinniest girl ever but the fact that she lost so much weight for her video Ice Cream is huge motivation to me!

 

 

 

Not sure who this girl is, but nice bod :)

Rejection...in a New Way

I like G. Like a lot. Like a ridiculously huge amount of like.
But of course.

He's gay.
He's freaking gay.

Don't get me wrong here, I have plenty of lesbian, gay and bisexual friends! I love non heterosexual people! As well as heterosexual people. I never had any problems with them and I fully support their rights.

I was telling a friend about how I really really liked G. That I was so happy to have finally met a guy who will put up with all my annoyingness and listen to all my crap and had all the same interests that I did. A guy who I could act like best friends with. How I liked him so much.
And she looked upset.
Oddly upset.
And then she told me:
"I dunno if you're supposed to know this or not, but I really think that he's gay. He told me that he was gay twice, both times casually in conversation but with a serious tone."

Of course, his tumblr page said "i'm like gay" on it and of course he dressed very nicely (almost too nicely) for a guy. Of course this was all starting to make sense to me. Of course. Of course of course of course.

After school, he was waiting for me since we walk down the hallway together. So I asked him kinda straightforwardly: "Are you straight?"
He told me that he would tell me about that later.

Yep. That proves it. I have the biggest crush ever on a gay guy.
The thing is,
I can't even be mad at him or anything.
I mean, he can't really help it, can he?
It's the way he naturally is, I guess, the same way that I'm naturally straight.

So this settles it.
When I finally...finally find a guy...who is so freaking beautiful looking and nice and accepts me for me and everything...he'll never like me because he literally can't.
I guess it doesn't change anything whether he's gay or straight.
I mean, he wouldn't have liked me either way, right?
So what am I supposed to do now.

Hmm.
fjakslf;jkdsal;fjkdlas;fjkdla;fjkals;
Bye.

About Him

I think that he might actually like me. He might think that I'm attractive.

I used to like this one boy that I'll refer to as SS.
SS, oh geez, I've made so many hints to him that I like him. But he clearly likes another girl who is extremely thin and beautiful, and also a lesbian (sucks for him :P).
But that got me thinking, what if I became like her?
She looks like she's maybe 90 pounds or so and she's like 5 foot 8 maybe?
She's so freaking beautiful and rocks a short haircut.
Maybe if I become like her, SS might find me attractive.

Now G is a guy that I really really really really like. He "proposed" to me when we were little kids.
I don't really know if I've made any hints to him that I like him. I mean, I've told him that I think he's beautiful...multiple times. (Do men get offended by this?)
He's sooo gorgeous though. He doesn't even realize how lucky he is. I almost want to BE him, lmfao.
He and I have only one class together and I sit by him and we talk about everything - from scientifical things to everyday things to stupid things, and sometimes just sit together in silence. But it doesn't matter to me, as long as I'm with him. I think I like N more to be honest, than SS.
Actually I think I feel more than just a "like" for N. Call me crazy since I'm only 14 (ALMOST 15 :D) but I keep a photo of us as little kids by my bedside table. I like him so much. He probably thinks that I'm super-annoying but oh well. What am I supposed to do. I AM annoying.

I don't have N's number but we chat often on Facebook. A lot of the time though, he ignores me. And he talks to this other girl a lot, not that I blame him. She's prettier. She has bigger eyes and a prettier face. I would choose her too. Sometimes it sucks being Asian because you have little eyes and short legs.

Clearly, I'll never be pretty enough for N. But maybe I can be skinny enough to grasp his attention. I don't think he'll ever care about me until I am. Since I'm a freshmen, at the end of the year is our first formal dance and I'd love to look skinny for the photos and maybe be asked by N. Not that it'll ever happen. Geez, I like him so much.

This is Sooyoung from SNSD. Aren't her legs perfect. OMFG. Some Asians are lucky enough to have skinny long legs. Mine will never be long but maybe they'll get skinny.

 

Wish me luck, if anyone actually reads this blog. :)

I binged like shit. Again. Clearly time to fast again. Welcome to my journey of befriending Ana. We were friends once before, in summer of 2012 and I had hit my lowest weight of 88 pounds. Right now I am at my highest of 102 pounds at 5'3''. God I feel so disgusting for having gained like 14 lbs so fast and Ana is calling me to be her friend again, so I guess we meet again. Every time any sort of food passes my lips, I can't stop eating. Jars of Nutella, cream wafers, bananas, nuts, almond butter, dried fruit, ice cream, etc. It makes me feel even worse because I binge on non-vegan foods, and I had chosen veganism due to a huge love for animals and against animal cruelty (I even stopped using makeup and switched hair products that I use.) I feel like absolute shit for hurting animals, fattening myself, and being downright ugly and disgusted with myself.

 

I want to be 85 pounds. As soon as possible. By April of this year 2013, maybe? (My birthday is that month.) I find that Korean pop stars seem to be the best thinspiration because they're all so thin and beautiful.

 

I binged so badly again, today. My daily calorie total is somewhere near the 2,500s and I feel absolutely disgusted. I cried a good long cry, because this is definitely not the first time. That's when Ana started calling me again. She wanted to be friends again. And so I accept.

 

 

One of the best things to do is to plan ahead. Clearly. So I am going to do just that. Tomorrow for breakfast will be an apple and coffee. I will tell friends that I'm having allergic reactions and skip lunch. Dinner will be 50cals of tuna and some steamed veggies. My daily calorie intake should be about 200ish calories or so. I'll burn it all off plus so more, hopefully.

 

I hate myself. For eating so much. For gaining so much. For harming creatures of this earth. I'm going to try to take a nice bath and then force myself to sleep. Tomorrow is a new day, where Ana and I are in a relationship together, and I won't break up with her this time.